You have a baby and they are the sweetest thing you could imagine. They coo and cuddle and learn and grow. They start walking and talking and then one day, all of the sudden, you ask them to come, they smile at you and run in the opposite direction. 'Cue the sad trombone.'
What do you do with a toddler that doesn't want to do what you ask?
First of all, it's important to realize that this action is a completely normal part of development. Your child is growing in their awareness and wants to exert their independence. If there's never an occasion of push back, it's actually more concerning and a possible indicator of delay or a bigger issue under the surface.
Doing things for themselves and making choices is a part of growing them into the person they will become. This sometimes is displayed by defiance. They key is to gauge the boundary lines. Where can you allow their independence and where should you set your foot down.
With that in mind here are a few tips that could ease the situations or prevent them altogether.
- Set Limits. Kids need limits even if they push back. There is security in knowing where the line is. Explain, 'We don't hit people. We ask.' If you think they are feeling like they aren't getting the right attention, find a positive way for them to be involved and set aside a focused time for just them.
- Show understanding. When they cry because they have stop doing something they think is fun, let them know you are on their side. Validate their emotions by getting on their level and giving a hug before following through.
- Make opportunities for choices. Let them choose between two pre approved options. Let them know what they can do instead of not. Offer alternatives to a disapproved behavior.
- Don't expect perfection. You're only setting yourself up for failure and a harder time in the long run. Pick your battles and allow a little wiggle room on the things that are more your preference. Don't expect your little one to process your requests so quickly. Giving a heads up in advance and allowing them a few minute to finish what they are doing can save a lot of aggravation.
- Focus on the good. Instead of only commenting on their bad behavior and the things they do wrong, make sure you acknowledge their good choices. Catch them doing something good. Set an example by speaking calmly, even if you don't feel that way on the inside. 'Disciplining your child doesn't mean controlling her – it means teaching her to control herself.'
- Have realistic expectations for their age. Do you best to avoid situations that would be difficult for their limited impulse control and short attention spans. Take their abilities and needs into account when planning activities. 'An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.' Look at the world from their perspective and adjust.
- While time-outs are sometimes controversial, maybe you could consider a time-in. Instead of using it for a punishment, give them space to collect themselves and calm down in a loving and comforting environment. Teach them self-control.
While these tools might not always diffuse a difficult situation they might be able to lessen the amount of times your toddler feels the need to show their defiant self.
Children need to have the opportunity to express themselves, their opinions and their independence. They also need a parent who can set limits, protect them against themselves and the dangers around them and show them how to be their best person. Don't forget that in the end, you are the parent. You have the experience and the brain development they lack. It's your job to show them the way and not just expect them to know how to behave. If you stay patient and consistent, eventually they will learn this is not the way to get what they want.